The worst book I'll ever defend: Bride

It's impossible for me to pretend that this book is for me. I am not easily entertained by heterosexual romance in general, and fated mate stories almost always make me cringe. (Giving biological essentialism a magical basis rather than a scientific one is actually probably a good thing, but it never does anything for me. It doesn't usually challenge biological essentiallism. It often does the exact opposite, so it feels like it's just there to serve as sexy wish-fulfillment to people who haven't unlearned and who aren't interested in unlearning real-world biological essentialism.) However, because I'm so tired of seeing reviewers kink-shaming this book, I actually feel the need to defend it. I'm here to encourage you to go into Bride with an open mind.

For readers familiar with the omegaverse, this book is obviously going to be quite tame. The omegaverse, in the hands of a very traditional romance author who sticks to the sorts of stories that serve to fulfill the sexual fantasies of dorky heterosexual women, is inevitably going to be a little more vanilla and normative than what I normally look for in sexy werewolf fiction. The same goes for vampire fiction for that matter. Monstrous romances just make for a great metaphor for puritanical repression around sex, gender, and the body, negotiating feelings about what it's like to be both othered and loved. These stories tend to be transgressive, kinky, and secretly (or openly) gay, and Bride, despite featuring a romance between a werewolf and a vampire, just isn't that kind of book. (Maybe it's a little queer-coded if you want to read it as an extended metaphor for demisexuality or something, which is a valid interpretation, but it's still a stretch.)

Bride honestly straddles the line between more mainstream romance and some of the less normative stuff you get from the omegaverse. However, if you're accustomed to mainstream romance, don't be scared. You too can get something out of this novel. Lord knows that if you're horny enough, some of the wildest magical sex fetishes can really quickly go from being uncomfortable to being hot as hell. Maybe you personally won't find this book to be hot as hell, but if you read with just a little bit of empathy, you can at least begin to understand why the characters can't stop pining.

Therefore, if you liked the author's previous work and you're now curious about dipping your toes into the unapologetically freaky world of spicy paranormal romances, then I definitely recommend giving it a shot. Here's what you should expect:

Bride is about an arranged marriage between a vampire and a werewolf. There are some background political machinations behind all of it, but it's pretty stupid and predictable. The worldbuilding is shallow. If you're here for a good intriguing mystery, you will be disappointed. You're going to want to read this book to explore how a vampire manages to find her place among werewolves. It's about what it's like to be an outsider and what it's like to fall in love as an outcast. There's pining for what you shouldn't want, lusting for what you can't have, and a lot of vulnerable moments that allow characters to overcome complex obstacles around being both hesitant towards and desiring of a romance.

Our protagonist, Misery (which is, I kid you not, her real name), is kind of slow and annoying, but you'll like her if you're a fan of Hazelwood's trademark wit. It makes for good banter. Her love interest, Lowe, is the most stereotypical hunk of a werewolf you ever did meet. It's very trope-heavy, but as I understand it, romance readers aren't likely to complain.

Here's an incomplete list of tropes I observed in this one: arranged marriage, fated mates, gentle giant, alpha male, possessive hero, virgin heroine, sassy heroine, enemies to lovers, forbidden romance, rich hero, royal heroine, and single father.

The one thing you really need to know before going into Bride is that you should be prepared for some creative anatomical choices that are only possible in a paranormal story. Maybe you've seen (or read) Twilight and are familiar with monsters who have inexplicably strong biological reactions to a woman's smell. Bride takes the biology a step further. Smells and mating are definitely a part of it, but the main magical biological feature is the knot. For the uninitiated, a knot is located at the base of an alpha's penis, and it swells during arousal. It causes extra pleasure. If you're confused, then try to think of it like a sex toy that just happens to be magically attached to the alpha. Like a sex toy, it might not be for everyone, but it can certainly spice things up in the bedroom if you're interested. Read the book to learn more.

At this point, some of you might be wondering how I could possibly think Bride is vanilla when it clearly involves kinky werewolf hierarchies. The truth is that the book does feature some power dynamics that aren't normally considered purely vanilla; it's just significantly more restrained than your usual story about alphas and omegas. I'd even argue that it's more restrained a lot of contemporary romance novels. The love story between Misery and Lowe is kind of gentle and emotionally focused in a way that might appeal to vanilla readers, even if the actual sex scenes involve mild (totally consensual) forms of risk. I know the thought of reading about knotting might scare some readers away, but it really doesn't have to. If you're not turned off by smut and spice, then Bride really might be worth a try.